Now watch this hilarious video, lampooning the letter.
You're welcome.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Soup Butt
1. I want the Westboro Baptist Church to picket my funeral.
2. My elbow skin feels just like my scrotum.
3. I'll bet that underneath the skin, my testicles look just like Katy Perry's eyeballs.
4. Take it from a guy that hasn't been laid in almost 3 years. Contraception is okay.
5. Here's a first date idea that's in poor taste: You both slop up some shoe polish on your faces and go to a karaoke bar and do some Whitney Houston.
6.
2. My elbow skin feels just like my scrotum.
3. I'll bet that underneath the skin, my testicles look just like Katy Perry's eyeballs.
4. Take it from a guy that hasn't been laid in almost 3 years. Contraception is okay.
5. Here's a first date idea that's in poor taste: You both slop up some shoe polish on your faces and go to a karaoke bar and do some Whitney Houston.
6.
7. Jeremy Lin is Asian. Get the fuck over it.
8. Another first date idea: Pick her up and go to a self-service car wash. Park in one of the bays and give her a bag of change while saying: "Car's not gonna wash itself, bitch." Did I mention I'm in somewhat of a romance drought?
9. Gypsies are the last ethnic group that it is acceptable to be completely racist against. Seriously, comb through any news service and find me a positive story about gypsies. They used to come into the restaurant where I work and steal the caps off of Cholula bottles. Although, I'm thinking I would rock that necklace....
10. How can something be "repetitive" AND "hard to follow?" Fuck it, I'm sure it's possible, but it's no way to talk me into buying a $40 Japanese Video Game from your shitty store.
11. On my way into the DMV the other day, an old man at a folding table asked me if I was registered to vote. I said yes. He then told me I needed to sign up to vote for the primary. Nah, I said, my guy's pretty much got this one in the bag. Seriously, it's like Michael Phelps vs. a whole bunch of fat special olympians.
12. I officially don't care about torrents anymore unless it comes to free movies or television episodes. All I do is fail when it comes to get quality applications for free. Buying the shit is way less of a headache. If you want to come over and give me a step by step tutorial, I'll put on some coffee and we can do this.
13. I have not had a solid bowel movement today and I definitely do not remember eating that bay leaf.
14. We should hang out at a shitty bar and make out to "Hey There, Delilah" by the Plain White T's.
15. My unnatural news anchor crush at the moment. I was on a treadmill, listening to my iPod and just swooning over her on the television. It's creepy, I know.
16. There are only 3 true cures for hangovers: 1. Consuming water. 2. Lots of sleep. 3. Another drink.
17. Food Porn: Beer Battered Fried Avocado Tacos
18. Idiot Porn:
Saturday, January 14, 2012
My Litany of Hate
Whenever I leave the house without eating, I find myself losing my temper. I blame my ability to be easily angered and/or frustrated on low or high blood sugar. Plus, I fucking hate a lot of things. So, I got to thinking: why not make a list?
1. Children. And you may think I'm not talking about your awesome children that you have raised superbly. I'm absolutely talking about your children.
2. The elderly. Have you ever had the misfortune of being behind one of these fucks in traffic or (even worse) at the grocery store just pitter-pattering through life with no regard for who may be around them. Look at me, I'm young and I'm not rocking a colostomy bag and I don't call 7pm bedtime. Now get out of the way, Gertrude, I got shit to do.
3. DOGS. I have a feverish hatred of any and all dogs even though I could call them cute in the same breath. Dogs are much like children in the sense that they may be the center of your universe, but don't think for one second that I have any regard for your little shitters.
4. Dudes that are obsessed with their beards. Get that shit off your face.
5. Packers fans.
6. Country music.
7. Mispronouncing words, but specifically CAR-A-MEL. It's not CAR-MEL. Why do we have that extra A in there, just for poops and laughter?
8. I also hate groups that hate stuff, like everyone you see here:
http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-files/groups
I realize the irony in hating hate groups, but they really are fetid pieces of shit living in an unrealistic universe.
9. Black dudes that think just because they're black that they can kick your ass. Also, when did become okay to call me "white boy?"
10. Fat, mean people. If God slipped you a mickey and gave you big bones with big rolls of fat tumbling off every orifice of your unfortunate body, you can't double down and be an inconsiderate asshole. This is why there are so many fat, jolly people because they take their horrible appearance into account and let their positive personality shine through regardless of their gelatinous girth.
11. People who are a really big pussy when they're sick. Take some Echinacea, drink some tea, and rest. We're not 4 years old any more, having our mother nurture us in her bosom while gnawing on a huggy-bookie.
12. Having to stand up and take your hat off for the National Anthem at sporting events and feeling like a dipshit pariah if you don't.
13. Fans of the Dave Matthews Band who refer to them as Dave. As in: "Since I'm into really shitty music, I thought I'd go down to the Grove and catch Dave." They also have been known to do this with several other bands. Deathcab= Deathcab for Cutie. Or even calling "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Curb. What, are you saving fucking time in your day shortening everything?
14. Middle-aged people who are under the belief that they are Rock n' Roll historians.
15. Paying rent. It's like fake money.
16. Calling tattoos ink.
17. Magic and magicians.
18. The emergence and supremacy of "nerd culture." I remember when nerds knew their place:
1. Children. And you may think I'm not talking about your awesome children that you have raised superbly. I'm absolutely talking about your children.
2. The elderly. Have you ever had the misfortune of being behind one of these fucks in traffic or (even worse) at the grocery store just pitter-pattering through life with no regard for who may be around them. Look at me, I'm young and I'm not rocking a colostomy bag and I don't call 7pm bedtime. Now get out of the way, Gertrude, I got shit to do.
3. DOGS. I have a feverish hatred of any and all dogs even though I could call them cute in the same breath. Dogs are much like children in the sense that they may be the center of your universe, but don't think for one second that I have any regard for your little shitters.
4. Dudes that are obsessed with their beards. Get that shit off your face.
5. Packers fans.
6. Country music.
7. Mispronouncing words, but specifically CAR-A-MEL. It's not CAR-MEL. Why do we have that extra A in there, just for poops and laughter?
8. I also hate groups that hate stuff, like everyone you see here:
http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-files/groups
I realize the irony in hating hate groups, but they really are fetid pieces of shit living in an unrealistic universe.
9. Black dudes that think just because they're black that they can kick your ass. Also, when did become okay to call me "white boy?"
10. Fat, mean people. If God slipped you a mickey and gave you big bones with big rolls of fat tumbling off every orifice of your unfortunate body, you can't double down and be an inconsiderate asshole. This is why there are so many fat, jolly people because they take their horrible appearance into account and let their positive personality shine through regardless of their gelatinous girth.
11. People who are a really big pussy when they're sick. Take some Echinacea, drink some tea, and rest. We're not 4 years old any more, having our mother nurture us in her bosom while gnawing on a huggy-bookie.
12. Having to stand up and take your hat off for the National Anthem at sporting events and feeling like a dipshit pariah if you don't.
13. Fans of the Dave Matthews Band who refer to them as Dave. As in: "Since I'm into really shitty music, I thought I'd go down to the Grove and catch Dave." They also have been known to do this with several other bands. Deathcab= Deathcab for Cutie. Or even calling "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Curb. What, are you saving fucking time in your day shortening everything?
14. Middle-aged people who are under the belief that they are Rock n' Roll historians.
15. Paying rent. It's like fake money.
16. Calling tattoos ink.
17. Magic and magicians.
18. The emergence and supremacy of "nerd culture." I remember when nerds knew their place:
19. People who don't return their shopping cart to the cart corral. You just spent an hour or so combing through the aisles with this cart and when it comes time for your relationship to end, you just dump it wherever, leaving some pimpled pathetic minimum wage fuck to gather it.
20. I hate that women relish being difficult and wear it like a badge of honor. And rather than acknowledging this and working on their own problems, they expect their significant other to bend over and deal with it........because they're some sort of fairy fucking princess....Your cunny's not the draw you think it is.
21. Napoleon Dynamite. I was led to believe that comedy was supposed to be funny. Silly me.
22. The following sports teams and their idiot fans: LA Lakers, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, Chicago White Sox, the entire NHL, New York Yankees, Miami Heat, Green Bay Packers, and the Oakland Raiders.
23. The following entertainers, actors and actresses: Angelina Jolie, Ellen Page, Helen Hunt, Jay Leno, Anna Paquin, Channing Tatum, Dane Cook, Jack Black, Adam Sandler, Renee Zellweger, Gerard Butler, Kate Hudson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ashton Kutcher, Rosie O'Donnel, Kristen Stewart,
24. Blind, unyielding patriotism
25. People who believe in angels.
26. The following blowhards: Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olbermann, Glenn Beck, Jan Brewer, Michelle Bachmann, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Ed Schultz, Oprah Winfrey, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Allen West, Sarah motherfucking Palin and her entire family, Mike Huckabee, John McCain, John Stossel,
27. Hippies.
28. Married people with hyphenated last names.
29. Idiot motorists with spoilers and sound systems who try to race everyone, placing everyone in harm, because why? Because you're clearly attempting to overcompensate for your squirrely little purple pink cock?
30. Dora the Explorer.
31. Music festivals.
32. People with moronic phobias like they can only sit in a booth at a restaurant because they're afraid someone could come up from behind them or something. Or people who are afraid of ferris wheels.
33. Females named Susan.
34. Harry Potter and most fantasy movies/franchises for that matter.
35. People who tell you that the book is better than the movie. No shit, dickhead.
36. Beautiful women with southern accents. That's a boner buster right there.
37. People who constantly quote "Family Guy."
38. Some pregnant unnamed cunt who will hopefully either have a miscarriage or raise some white trash welfare brat who will no doubt be blowing guys for sandwiches when she's 13.
39. People who make me feel left out of conversations because I haven't picked up a video game controller in more than a decade. I don't have much of a life, but I don't waste it in your fictitious world.
40. People who've never been drunk.
41. People who get grossed out by other people pissing in the shower. It's all pipes!
42. Jam bands.
43. Guacamole.
44. People who wear socks with sandals.
45. The following bands and musicians: The Eagles, Smashing Pumpkins, Katy Perry, Soulja Boy, Bon Jovi, Nickelback, Creed, 3 Doors Down, Five for Fighting, Kanye West, any black rapper with black rimmed glasses, Drake, LMFAO, LL Cool J, Evanescence, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Coldplay, Green Day, Nicki Minaj, (Minaj is not a real last name) Pink Floyd, Stone Temple Pilots, Blink 182, Steve Miller Band, Phish, Toby Keith, Meatloaf, Eminem, AEROSMITH, Ted Nugent, John Mayer, Gavin DeGraw,
46. There's way more religious people on NFL teams than the much maligned Tim Tebow. Why does he get so much shit?
Monday, January 2, 2012
Resolutions for 2012
Well, a new year is here again, just like last year and the year before that. Why people are surprised or even feel the need to go through the motions of celebrating this over and over again is beyond me. But it does provide an opportunity for me to indulge in one of my all time favorite past times: LISTMAKING. So, here we fucking go. Also, I'm not going to make lofty, unrealistic proclamations, I'll keep it simple. Maybe.
1. Write on this blog more. Obviously. Like at least once a week. At some point I can actually earn some income if I get enough visitors. Maybe it's my subject matter. Maybe people are just looking on the internet for specific keywords and I'm not providing that. Well, this might change things:
Kardashian
Bieber
Pussy
Ron Paul
Porn
Beyonce
Santorum
Anderson Cooper Gay
Okay, that should help a little bit.
2. Return to the gym and lose at least 10 pounds. Now that I have an iphone/music listening device, I have no more excuses to not go to that sweat stench Mecca. Also, I hear Yoga is good for you.
3. Visit my friend Hugh in Austin, TX and embrace my inner fucktard hipster.
4. Drive to San Jose for their world famous Flea Market. I'm dead serious about making this at least a 3 day ordeal.
5. Begin anew at a new job location with new and interesting people who preferably don't have the same issues as previous co-employees who have apparently not gotten the memo that life is not a high school cafeteria. In other words, it will be nice to work with grown-ups.
6. Travel to Los Angeles and visit my friends who put on the Super Serious Show.
7. Move back in with my parents to save shitloads of money and to amass more material possessions. I struggle to believe that both of these goals can be simultaneously achieved.
8. Get at least one tattoo. Preferably this on my forearm:
1. Write on this blog more. Obviously. Like at least once a week. At some point I can actually earn some income if I get enough visitors. Maybe it's my subject matter. Maybe people are just looking on the internet for specific keywords and I'm not providing that. Well, this might change things:
Kardashian
Bieber
Pussy
Ron Paul
Porn
Beyonce
Santorum
Anderson Cooper Gay
Okay, that should help a little bit.
2. Return to the gym and lose at least 10 pounds. Now that I have an iphone/music listening device, I have no more excuses to not go to that sweat stench Mecca. Also, I hear Yoga is good for you.
3. Visit my friend Hugh in Austin, TX and embrace my inner fucktard hipster.
4. Drive to San Jose for their world famous Flea Market. I'm dead serious about making this at least a 3 day ordeal.
5. Begin anew at a new job location with new and interesting people who preferably don't have the same issues as previous co-employees who have apparently not gotten the memo that life is not a high school cafeteria. In other words, it will be nice to work with grown-ups.
6. Travel to Los Angeles and visit my friends who put on the Super Serious Show.
7. Move back in with my parents to save shitloads of money and to amass more material possessions. I struggle to believe that both of these goals can be simultaneously achieved.
8. Get at least one tattoo. Preferably this on my forearm:
9. Start shooting and editing videos again. First up, a love letter to my kitty.
10. Verbally abuse a Trader Joe's employee.
11. Make Charles Klepfer's delicious vegetable soup. Perhaps you can too:
3 leeks, roots and fronds discarded, chopped
1 medium white onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced
4 medium carrots, diced
2 stalks of celery, diced
2 ears of corn, husks, silks and cobs discarded
4 medium yellow boiling potatoes, peeled and cubed
1/2 lb of green beans, ends discarded, chopped
28oz can of plum tomatoes, chopped, juice reserved
1 qt vegetable stock
1 qt chicken stock
1 pc parmesan rind (optional)
1 bouquet garni of parsley stems, sage, thyme, laurel and tarragon
3 tbsp of tomato paste
4 tbsp of olive oil
1 dried habañero chilli (optional)
salt & black pepper to taste
parsley, chopped, to taste
lemon juice, to taste (1 lemon should do it)
Vegetable soup... its construction is as strictly regimented as are the ways to apply paint to canvas.
All that can be said definitively is that the contents of your cauldron should resolve as a showcase of your chosen fruits de terre; the bodies you've selected imbuing their cooking liquid with a rich and wholesome flavor, becoming of their full potential as the base bounties of soil and sunshine.
This following is just my take... one of a million ways to make this dish. Dish? No, it's more of a concept.
If you’ll indulge a spot of pedantry for a moment… plants convert photons, carbon dioxide and earth-liquor into their own complex brand of matter. You, you take whatsoever of these somewhat miraculous substances, the ones you happen to find accessible and appetizing, and combine and contort them in a manner that's suitable to your palate. I can tell you that, to my tongue, the subsequent method will make a delicious pot of fortifyingplantae goodness.
A final note – I recommend the use of fresh ingredients in making this soup. I assume that of all my friends on facebook, only a few will have read this far, and that all of you have access to grocery stores that stock fresh produce year-round. Vegetable soup is a concoction that thrives on subtlety. Frozen veggies and dried herbs save time and money... I can't argue with that. But you can't argue with the fact that fresh ingredients make a better pot of soup. Also, don’t cut down on the fat. The latest scientific studies conclude that there are many nutrients present in vegetables that are much more readily absorbed by the human body when consumed in concert with lipids. So there.
Vegetable Soup
1. Heat olive oil in a suitably large pot over medium low flame.
2. Drop the aromatics in. That is: leek, onion and garlic. Let them sweat (not simmer!) until the perfume rolling from the pot is no longer acrid, 20 minutes or more. There shouldn’t be browning at this point.
3. Add the carrot and celery, and continue to gently cook for 10 minutes or so, until these latest additions begin to soften ever so.
4. Add the tomato paste. Stir everything very well to coat. Cook another 20 to 30 minutes, until the tomato paste begins to caramelize and lose its acidity, stirring from time to time.
5. Add the potatoes, stirring occasionally for another 10 to 15 minutes.
6. Add the green beans, corn kernels, chopped tomatoes and their juice, stocks, bouquet garni, parmesan ride, salt (go easy on it at this point), black pepper and dried chilli (if using).
7. Bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer and cook for at least 2 hours, covered, stirring when you think of it.
8. When done to your liking, remove from heat, taste and adjust for saltiness, remove the cheese rind and bouquet garni and stir in chopped parsley leaves and lemon juice.
That’s it. Once the potatoes have begun to break down and thicken the broth, it’s time to ladle this magnificent conflagration into bowls and enjoy with deep, slurp-encouraging spoons and thick slices of toasted, buttered bread.
Remember… eat your veggies!
1 medium white onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced
4 medium carrots, diced
2 stalks of celery, diced
2 ears of corn, husks, silks and cobs discarded
4 medium yellow boiling potatoes, peeled and cubed
1/2 lb of green beans, ends discarded, chopped
28oz can of plum tomatoes, chopped, juice reserved
1 qt vegetable stock
1 qt chicken stock
1 pc parmesan rind (optional)
1 bouquet garni of parsley stems, sage, thyme, laurel and tarragon
3 tbsp of tomato paste
4 tbsp of olive oil
1 dried habañero chilli (optional)
salt & black pepper to taste
parsley, chopped, to taste
lemon juice, to taste (1 lemon should do it)
Vegetable soup... its construction is as strictly regimented as are the ways to apply paint to canvas.
All that can be said definitively is that the contents of your cauldron should resolve as a showcase of your chosen fruits de terre; the bodies you've selected imbuing their cooking liquid with a rich and wholesome flavor, becoming of their full potential as the base bounties of soil and sunshine.
This following is just my take... one of a million ways to make this dish. Dish? No, it's more of a concept.
If you’ll indulge a spot of pedantry for a moment… plants convert photons, carbon dioxide and earth-liquor into their own complex brand of matter. You, you take whatsoever of these somewhat miraculous substances, the ones you happen to find accessible and appetizing, and combine and contort them in a manner that's suitable to your palate. I can tell you that, to my tongue, the subsequent method will make a delicious pot of fortifyingplantae goodness.
A final note – I recommend the use of fresh ingredients in making this soup. I assume that of all my friends on facebook, only a few will have read this far, and that all of you have access to grocery stores that stock fresh produce year-round. Vegetable soup is a concoction that thrives on subtlety. Frozen veggies and dried herbs save time and money... I can't argue with that. But you can't argue with the fact that fresh ingredients make a better pot of soup. Also, don’t cut down on the fat. The latest scientific studies conclude that there are many nutrients present in vegetables that are much more readily absorbed by the human body when consumed in concert with lipids. So there.
Vegetable Soup
1. Heat olive oil in a suitably large pot over medium low flame.
2. Drop the aromatics in. That is: leek, onion and garlic. Let them sweat (not simmer!) until the perfume rolling from the pot is no longer acrid, 20 minutes or more. There shouldn’t be browning at this point.
3. Add the carrot and celery, and continue to gently cook for 10 minutes or so, until these latest additions begin to soften ever so.
4. Add the tomato paste. Stir everything very well to coat. Cook another 20 to 30 minutes, until the tomato paste begins to caramelize and lose its acidity, stirring from time to time.
5. Add the potatoes, stirring occasionally for another 10 to 15 minutes.
6. Add the green beans, corn kernels, chopped tomatoes and their juice, stocks, bouquet garni, parmesan ride, salt (go easy on it at this point), black pepper and dried chilli (if using).
7. Bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer and cook for at least 2 hours, covered, stirring when you think of it.
8. When done to your liking, remove from heat, taste and adjust for saltiness, remove the cheese rind and bouquet garni and stir in chopped parsley leaves and lemon juice.
That’s it. Once the potatoes have begun to break down and thicken the broth, it’s time to ladle this magnificent conflagration into bowls and enjoy with deep, slurp-encouraging spoons and thick slices of toasted, buttered bread.
Remember… eat your veggies!
12. Smoke more weed.
13. Make more eye contact.
14. Write my pen pal regularly.
15. Take more pictures and shoot with my Super 8, 120mm, and Polaroid camera.
16. Record a Podcast.
Change is the only constant. I don’t know who first said that and I don’t really care to quote them. Fuck them. I’m saying it now. It’s 2012, supposedly the last year on earth if you believe any Mayan calendar bullshit. Truth is, this world is going to keep on moving on, whether for the better or worse way beyond 2012. This year we may or may not get a new president. This year I will turn 32 years old. This year I am moving back in with my parents to save some more money. Boo and yeah to that last one. Whatever social stigma living with your parents has become does not outweigh the benefits of saving money. So, saving money on rent, food, and utilities is nothing to scoff at starting March 1st. Booyeah.
Scottsdale COMMUNITY College has approved me to go to their fine school. However, their financial aid has turned me down for the third and last time. I have gotten the not so subtle hint and realized that the odds are stacked against me and that I should abandon the idea of becoming a student once again. To be honest, the only reason I wanted to in the first place was to meet new people and to reignite my passion of writing and filmmaking. Both of these things I can do on my own without the added baggage of schoolwork and commuting. So there, fuckhead federal financial aid people! The joke’s on you bureaucrats, I’m going to die in debt! Ha! Suck on that!
I don’t really want to die in debt. I actually want to take some time to pay back some tremendous debt I’m already in to the tune of about $50,000. Most of it is student loan crap. Take this advice from me, youngsters and aspiring whatevers: DO NOT GET A LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE! Especially from an art school. If you even choose to go to college get ultra-specific with your major and preference of study. I was taught so much random bullshit that I don’t even know what my talent is, if I have any at all. That, and it doesn’t really help that my college was kind of shady and wasn’t really accredited so none of my credits transfer anywhere.
I’d like to get my pathetic credit score of 643 to at least 800, singing the freecreditreport.com song the entire time:
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Hansel: Version 6.4: The Softie
It's been more than two months since I've really gotten into a long form of spilling my guts on this blog. I guess I'm overdue. So I'll catch you up on all the minutiae you probably don't care about. Or maybe you do. Sorry, that was dismissive. I traveled to Indianapolis for two weddings on the same day back in September. I needed the vacation and it was good to see certain people and even better to meet new people. Also, congratulations to Sarah and Walker and Jasin and Jolene. The sad truth is that Indianapolis is still pretty much a bummer. Well, at least it’s a bummer to me. It’s like when you go to a summer camp as an adult and realize it’s half the actual size you thought it was. When you’ve lived and traveled beyond the constricting confines of your hometown, everything else seems so vast. Well, at least to me. Luckily, I didn’t run into any “undesirables” while out there. Nowadays, that only tends to happen in sober dreams, which is kind of worse because I cannot control those. And all those musicians that were in bands they believed had future and promise are now nurturing the sore rectum of realizing I was right. You’re all broken up and not playing together anymore.
Speaking of break-ups, back in August, my Arizona health care dumped me for “making above the allowable income.” I made roughly $30 above the allowable income. Funny, I don’t feel like I make too much money at my quick service restaurant job. In fact, I can barely take care of most of my expenses at this awesomely high paying job. So, no more affordable prescriptions, no insulin, no doctor visits or pump supplies. Oh, and another reason they dropped me: I am a childless adult. If you’ve ever met me I hope you could agree that the most irresponsible thing I could do at this juncture in my life would be to breed. I am now floundering around in the system without health care, which isn’t really all bad. I got on a program where insulin is free and all my other prescriptions are five dollars each. However, pump supplies are roughly two hundred dollars a month. Doctor visits and blood work are all in the range of ten to twenty-five dollars. It could be worse. Then again, it could always be better. Maybe Republicunts are right; maybe I should get a better job, get a life, and pull myself up by my bootstraps and get some real health care. What the fuck does “pull yourself up by your bootstraps even mean?” Show of hands as to who has done that activity recently?
I accidentally sent my iPod through the washer and dryer and I am using that as a pitiful excuse to not go to the gym. I miss working out and having that positive energy. Lately, lethargic feelings have consumed me and I find myself sleeping the days away and watching too much television and movies. Hey, the McRib
is back!
I’ve got a crush, but she’s taken. Of course. I’m on these pathetic dating websites where, if I get any interaction, it’s either from excessively heavy women or religious women attempting to “save” me. I don’t really try in the sense that I’m not going out and pursuing a significant other. Also, I’m not what you call a “pussy moistener.” So, I’m told I can’t complain. Fuck that, I can always complain. It’s not like I had any success the last few times I merely even asked a girl for her number. Did I not get the memo that I was a horrendous, offensive, bridge-dwelling troll who doesn’t even deserve the common respect of the words: “sorry, not interested.” So……whatever, why even try? I know the most worthwhile experiences and relationships come when you’re not in a state of expectation or desperation. But what if you’re an unlikable piece of shit like I’ve been led to believe I am by these aloof, beautiful princesses that take so much joy in rejecting me? I don’t really believe that, but sometimes when I’m lonely, I believe it. Blah, blah, blah, fuck a hooker.
Third time’s a charm. This Tuesday I am filing my third and final appeal for financial aid to Scottsdale Community College Film School. If denied, I’m giving it the fuck up. It’s not worth my sanity to do this over and over again only to eat a feces sandwich. I’ve taken care of everything I’ve been told I have to, but you never know with these assholes. And what the fuck is a fighting artichoke?
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Malaise
Malaise
Noun
Noun
1. A feeling of unease or depression.
2. A mild sickness, not symptomatic of any disease or ailment.
3. A complex problems affecting a country or economy.
I feel like I've been overusing the C-word recently. Either that, or people are being cunts.
I think I'm officially too old to care about Halloween anymore. But I still reserve the right to bust out my Trig Palin outfit in the future. And ladies, please still take this opportunity to dress like a whore for one day.
I'd like to have a job where I get a modicum of respect.
MILFs are beginning to seem like they're in my age range.
Pumpkin hummus.
Redbox vs. Netflix vs. Video on Demand. I love you, Netflix, but I think the latter contender is taking this trophy home.
Every year, the media and a handful of people try to get me interested in baseball, and every year they fail.
In times of genuine awkwardness, my mind reverts back to the memory of my father catching me masturbating to a J. Lo video.
I want this Polish movie poster for Christmas. It's $200. Start saving.
I like you and I'd like to get to know you better. Problem is that anyone that spends a significant amount of time with me finds me irritating. And people who don't even bother to get to know me usually find themselves better off.
Fuck Halloween, I'm ready for a pity party.
When I become old and crotchety, then it seems I'll have a license to bitch as much as I do. Maybe it will all just overwhelm me and I'll walk into traffic and end it by then.
I should eat more nuts. And for those of you who are trying to make some sort of moronic homosexual connotation to this...how many gay or straight people do you know that are literally chewing and consuming male testicles? Grow the fuck up.
Here is the only photo from the wedding I recently attended that I am prominently featured in.....kinda.
I should eat more nuts. And for those of you who are trying to make some sort of moronic homosexual connotation to this...how many gay or straight people do you know that are literally chewing and consuming male testicles? Grow the fuck up.
Here is the only photo from the wedding I recently attended that I am prominently featured in.....kinda.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Cucumber slices on my eyelids.
1. We're all lucky we're not dead yet.
2. Call me crazy, but if I see oncoming traffic, I do not merge into it. The other drivers don't know my intentions. Why would they?
3. Does Hansel like the phrase "not so much?" Yeah, not so much.
4. So, I'm an uncle and his name is Sam. But merely bringing another life into this cruel world does not negate the horrible shit you said about me. Nor does it negate your defense of a fucktard motherfucker trying to pick fights with me via internet. You still owe me an apology.
5. How can Eminem be a millionaire and still scowl in his photos like an unhappy teenager? Awwww, poor guy.
6. Every time I look deep into Michele Bachmann's eyes, I imagine her giving me head, looking up at me with that laser-like focus, attempting to slurp out my soul.
7. So, Emma Stone and Justin Timberlake just decided they were going to be in every movie ever made from now on?
8. Click on this pic. You shall enjoy.
9. Also, click on this. I approve.
10. Hero. Yeah, that word's overused.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
VS.
The last time I had sexual relations with a woman was March 17th, 2009. Since then I have gone on one ill-fated date with a girl who was way too obsessed with her child to give a shit about romance. Also, she was a hipster, and hipsters suck. So, a drought of more than two years is what I'm "suffering" from. But it's not just a drought from all things sexual. It's been a complete dry spell of interaction with the opposite sex. I don't like dating. It's an elaborate ass-sniffing contest that parallels a fucking job interview. And in my case, it often lends to rejection. So, why try in the first place, loser? Why? Because loneliness blows and sometimes you want to watch a shitty movie and share Indian food with another living being.
Don't get me wrong, the main problem is myself. I've got a lot of issues and I think it would take someone very special and open-minded to come into my world. But there's another glaring, persistent problem that is not being fully addressed and that is:
DOUCHEBAGS
This is a manifesto, a fucking call to arms, an assault with bodily injury against douchebag tool fucking assholes AND (more importantly) the vapid, glutton-for-punishment women who validate their presence by falling for them. So many dickheads with so many girlfriends. I will never understand it. I often hear the claim "girls like assholes." Really? Okay, then you're to blame when he's holding your broken nose over a fireplace because you burned the goddamn pot roast. Have some respect for yourself. No one, with the exception of Sarah Palin and her family, deserves to be treated like shit. It makes your soul look disgusting when you actually tolerate being shat upon just to uphold this moronic "girls like assholes" credo.
Let's lay out what a douchebag truly is physically:
I have no artistic talent when it comes to drawing, but I have the perfect image in my head. This may be specific to Arizona, for there are many different breeds of douchebag, so I'll lay out a police blotter type description. This pic is pretty close.
Male, 17-40 years of age.
Hat slightly cocked to the side with the brim propped up, or with the stickers still on it.
Spends too much time at the gym.
Wardrobe consists of any of the following: Fox Racing, Von Dutch, Ed Hardy, Tap Out, graphic print t-shirts, wifebeaters in public, No Fear, sunglasses indoors, or resting on the back of their neck.
Drenched in cheap cologne.
Uses phrases like: Bro (pronounced Brah), no worries, and perhaps quotes from the Jersey Shore.
Now, a douchebag's musical taste may be so varied that maybe you and him have some common ground, but one thing is for certain: all douchebags like Nickelback.
Watches MMA and does not recognize the homoeroticism.
Tribal tattoos.
Gauges in the ears.
Probably at least one meth addict in their immediate family.
Into off-roading, motorcycles, racing, etc., Even though he probably drives a Mercury Sable.
Whatever, I assume you get the drift. Why any pretty, emotionally secure woman would find any of this attractive is beyond me. One thing I will give them is that they have unwavering confidence. Definitely more confidence than I possess. But what's the attraction here? I don't like when girls stop trying and agree on a uniform. I really do believe that if I dressed up as my idea of a douchebag as a social experiment, and went into public, I'd have to slide a drip pan under every female's crotch.
Ladies, I know there's more to it. Maybe the sex is great, maybe he's got a good car and a great job, maybe he's a provider, maybe he's fucking hilarious. But if he lies to you, cheats on you, and treats you like general shit, you're to blame for sticking around. I'm over here in my one bedroom apartment with no intention of treating someone I'd be in a loving relationship with like shit. I think douchebags are like European models in that they take everything for granted and walk around with a smug sense of entitlement, expecting everything to go their way. And so far it has. And this will probably never change so long as women fall for it.
I can be upset about this all I want. I realize it's jealousy and it doesn't make me feel any better to discuss douchebags when I'm still a lonely man in his early 30's, loving on a black cat and watching entirely too many Netflix instant movies.
So, chalk this semi-manifesto up as a small victory.
I have to go now, a hot blonde and brunette just came through the gate of the pool I'm writing this at. They're with a guy that has TRUTH tattooed on his chest in Old English font and black gauges in his ears.
Sigh.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Recent Poetry (Grab your tampon)
El Bano
I have never truly known happiness
maybe it is stuck
in between the forlorn and unforgiven
or maybe he's black
and 10.5 pounds
and headbutts me to say hi
maybe he's an idiot
with a taste for fake filet mignon
and an acceptance for dry, malformed kittle.
he voices his displeasure
when he does not get his way
and then remains calm
he is the bathroom
and I've never urinated upon him
he is my best friend
and I've never really trusted him with information
he senses sad
he says hi with a poke and a nudge and then looks
off into the distance
with a stare that convinces you...
"he's thinking about something..."
perhaps he cares about your problems
he probably doesn't
and then he saunters off
anus in your face
it exfoliates the skin.
The Bathroom
His front paws are gone.
I didn't do it, asshole.
but when he makes biscuits on paper
and gives a look back to me
my cold heart melts
i remember when my mom told me
she cut her cat's whiskers
moron
his tinglie and tangle every which way
even when I babble nonsense his way
nacho babba gouda frontier
headbutt.
A Welcome Like That
You ever barely fart?
and it just oozes out of you, yet stinks up the whole living space?
and yet there's a dude, meowing or howling
sometimes what's the difference?
do you think he or she smells it
or just wants the attention?
I'm going for the latter.
and so he herds me towards his bowl
like I don't know where the fuck it is
I bought it, bitch
and he looks up at me and gives a pathetic cry
and I put stuff in his bowl
and I see him again on my lap, quiet
he headbutts my nipple and does this odd noggin thing
which I'm sure feels good if you're a feline
but feels even better if you're a lonely man.
The Oregon Trail
Love. It's weird.
And no dumbass can really explain it
or define it
or put it into a poem
but you know it when it happens
kind of like diarrhea or disease
it overcomes you
and you want no one close
Love, it's stupid
and every dumbass will eventually fall out of it
or die
or put it into a poem
but, but is spelled with one "t" and butt is spelled with two
and that's where shit comes streaming out of.
The Monster That Lives Inside Me
I hate everybody and everything
except him
and except you. No, not you, I mean you.
Yes....
Go on thinking you're expendable and my thoughts can't do without you
they're just thoughts
There was this guy on Milpas Ave. in Santa Barbara
and he had a breakfast joint
that no one would go to
it was sad.
But we were always there and he would cook us amazing feasts
and he would put our pictures on the wall
and we would pay and tip.
I doubt he's there anymore
I think of him when I fuck up.
At least he did that and made some people jovial
on his little corner
in the happy place I go to.
Bury me in Santa Barbara, but please wait until I die.
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